i know what this is. i know why i'm doing this.
since returning from Rouen i've not been in control of my emotions in the slightest. i've felt depressed almost every evening despite how good or bad my days have been; regardless of that.
i just don't like the feeling of this. this is a time in my life i will look back on and think "i'm glad that's over."
it's not that it's extremely difficult, or anything serious is happening. yes i've got a lot of work, but i can (just about) deal with that fine. it's just this feeling i have. something i can't put my finger on, but i am certain of its presence.
normally when i look back  to a time i liked in the past,  i know there is no way in hell i will be able to return to that time. it's just impossible, i can't create the same feelings now that i had then. the whole situation is different, life is different.
but when it comes to not eating, this is how i can return to a better time instantly. that feeling of hunger automatically sends me back to a time when i felt better.
i'm trying to analyse everything in my life. maybe i will get to the point where i will know myself so well that i won't have to think for so long about one thing, i will know how it's going to affect me before it even happens.
but this, i know this clearly. i have stopped eating in order to avoid this shitty, shitty feeling.
it's as simple as that.