if i've eaten so much recently why do i feel like i look thin on webcam? that's not right.

i very much miss this blog. i might start posting more regularly again. even if it just pictures, it's nice to have something to keep up with. my art exam and two french orals are over so things have calmed down a little now, i have over a month to revise for my next exam which is reassuring. that is all for now, i'm going to buy flowers and a disposable camera x

okay. the last week i've eaten terribly. not even terribly with regards to trying to fast, i mean terribly for someone who eats a normal amount if that makes sense. I've had a twix something like three times last week. disgusting.

i've come to the conclusion it's my pill. i can not eat for the week i am off for my period really easily, but when i'm back on the pill it's just like FOOD NOW. i have a large appetite. even if i'm not hungry, i just want to taste something.

so i'm going to try something new, again. okay i fail completely at this, i really am not loving myself at the moment believe me. i'm going to just try healthy eating in general. so that i do actually eat three meals a day but smaller portions and healthy food, not really any snacking. this poses a problem when i go to my dad's, his portion sizes are HUGE, and his food is rarely healthy. i have a weird relationship with my dad in that i don't really tell him how i'm feeling AT all, so i just can't tell him that his portions are too big :( silly i know.

anyway, despite all that i'm completely stressed and not even happy with other areas of my life lol. if i don't get an A in french my life is officially over.

okay so i haven't blogged in a while. since..sunday? maybe.

anyway, the two day fast failed at the first hurdle! however, i'm not too upset about it. i woke up monday and i still had flu, and i thought there's no way i can get over this with my exams in a few weeks (15 hour art exam starts tomorrow!!) and fasting for two days. so i decided not to do it. i wuoldn't even normally have breakfast but i did because i wanted to make sure i got better. i'm recovering i'm almost there, just got a cough and still blowing my nose quite a bit.

Thinking about it, before i re-started all of this fasting stuff, my routine involved eating less food than i do on some days now. i would have no breakfast (well sometimes but mostly not) and then a sandwich at lunch then tea. it's just that i'd snack in the evenings. to be honest i'm thinking of just going back to that with a few fasts thrown in. cause i've completely changed my whole eating habits. i didn't even realise i had a routine, but i definitely did. now i have no routine whatsoever (not one i stick to anyway) and i eat more. i need some more control.

i might go back to eating what i feel comfortable at. sometimes breakfast, sandwich, then tea but try not to snack. then when i feel like it i'll try a two day fast. i don't want to force myself in to not eating when i dont' feel like i want to do it, cause then i'll just fail and eat twice as much as i would normally.

this feels like a defeatist attitude, like i'm giving up. but there's no way i can go another week eating too much, my stomach sickens me. maybe i'll start posting some pictures of myself up here so that i can motivate myself more. i'm gonna start swimming more too, but the thing is the time because i really need to do shit loads of revision and art, it's taking up my life to the point where i can't even go out now. MEH. eat healthy now, exercise when i can.

dear god, when will lucy jayne love shut the fuck up and stop complaining all over my facebook?! you know i think i might even delete her because of it. she's like "i don't care about the fact i've broken up with my boyfriend." then five minutes later it's "i can't go on without you in my life my heart is broken" shut the fuuuuuuuuck up.

Another post. i feel a little bit as though i am on the verge of a breakdown. i'm practically crying all the time, and i never ever cry. i even cried in college on monday which i haven't done since i was like five :(
I'm pretty sure it's because of the not eating. anyway, i'd rather be thin.
Today i'm going to eat hopefully a little less than a normal person. however, it shouldn't be hard to eat less than i have done the last few days. at the shop where i work my mum lent a customer something and wouldn't accept any money for it. the woman left, but came back five minutes later with like five cream cakes! there were only three of us in the shop too, i had two :'( and on friday i ate like a heifer at my dad's house. i did well in the day though, i only had one piece of peperoni cause my friends had pizza at lunch. so i'm only doing a two day fast this week. i do know that i can do this because i've done it before (although i did have an innocent smoothie in the middle, and if i'm honest if ia ctually ate fruit which is basically the same i'm class it as breaking the fast) i'm just gonna drink shit loads of fruit juice. i'm gonna buy orange juice on monday, then use the bottle to fill it with apple and pear juice on tuesday. drink loads of water and a bit of coffee in between!
i'm looking forward to it.

i was kind of putting all my hope on last week, i never really thought about the fact i can try again. i kind of hope i fail because if i do i'll feel even more determined to do it again the next week. i get in to routines very easily though, if i keep it up it'll sink in every week. then i'll lose weight!
last night i was at my friends and kept commenting on how fat i felt (i was drunk) and they all kept saying that i was skinny adn my friend rory in the night was like "hannah, you are actually thin" and it was clear he'd been thinking about it and stuff. i dunno, made me a bit worried i might have brought awareness to my weight issues but also kind of liked that he still felt the need to tell me i'm skinny.

i'll  end this now then do another post with pictures.

Lucy, i've got flu also :( get well soon <3